Derailed

My last post was dated January of 2011. So much time had passed. What I was experiencing then are just now a part of my memory. Those are moments that I visit sometimes in a little corner in my mind, wishing that somehow I could relive them even just for a day.

I was working for the reality show 'I Dare You' back then. I left the show. I left the network. I left a big part of my dreams. I closed the door to the dream I had for years. I realized that it was not really what I wanted. Or maybe that wasn't really my dream. It was just a part of a bigger dream that I still have but I had to 'detour' or probably take a different route to get there. I wanted to study. Again.

Then, I worked for a call center as a sales representative for a travel website. Daily, I received hotel reservations for foreign customers. It was both fun and exhausting. I kind of liked the mix of both until I decided to leave again. The hardest part of leaving was 'breaking up' with my closest friends there for quite some time. I derailed my own life once again.

Up until now, I haven't gotten a job yet. Like my previous job, it's both fun and exhausting. It's fun doing nothing, which can be exhausting at times. It's exhausting to be penniless, which can be fun at times. I spend time with my friends and they take care of me while I'm stuck thousands of miles below the poverty line. They make me feel I have the greatest friends in the world. I owe them so much that I want to work hard soon so I could show them how much I appreciate everything they have done for the past months.

Now, as I sit here in this dark room and convincing myself to get some sleep, I'm thinking of the next steps that I need to take to regain my old, hardworking self again. Though I'm more of a spontaneous person, I mentally plan everything that I do. Right now I'm planning to end this post but I don't know how or at which point should I stop.

I'll just hope and strive for the best and see. I'll also try to post something here again soon. Or you can also see me on Twitter most of the time. Follow me here. Thank you for your precious time.

Back From Nowhere

Wow. It took 16 months before I finally got to visit this blog site once again. I don't know why I stopped posting or why I went back after months of being dormant. And I think nobody cares if I stuff this with my blogs or not. It was never a full-grown blog (like the ones you see all over the net) and I believe it would never be. It only serves as an outlet of my thoughts, rants, opinions or anything that I know nobody would spend time reading. It's pessimistic. Negative.

16 months. So many things have changed since my last post. I was a student then, trying to figure out the direction of this life. Maybe I stopped posting because I was busy doing our thesis. It took a large portion of my life back then. It was successful at first but it didn't have that happy ending.

I graduated. It was a dream come true. I studied hard for 16 years and I knew it made my parents happy. They were proud of me. And I didn't just study - I learned. I was not the good, smart, all-knowing and studious student sent from above. I was never a teacher's pet. I cut classes. I copied homeworks and exams. I scribbled on my paper during discussions. But I learned everything my way and I never regret. It was all part of the learning.

Now, I'm putting to use all those learnings in my everyday life. I got my job a month before I graduated. I prayed for it and I got it. I'm now working for a big TV network where I know life will never be easy. It's a whole new world out here. I'm starting to live on my own as I try to be more independent from anyone's support. My job is a bit more demanding from the common jobs we know. I'm starting from scratch - learning the job, the company and its people. We're putting up a reality show but there's a bigger reality show happening in our everyday life.

And that was a very brief rundown of what happened to me while I was away. Hehe. After a month and a week, I'll be 21. I don't know where this life leads. When I was a student, I was looking forward to my graduation. Now that I finished schooling, I'm actually clueless of what to expect or hope for. Every day becomes an ordeal. All I know is I have to be at my best, always. But I'll never stop learning. It's one of those small things I learned from schooling.

:)

Day 10: Every Drop Counts

09.11.09 (Friday)

I was a bit excited when I went to the station that morning. Ma'am Nene told Pat (new intern) and I two days before that we had to join them for a 'stick-on' event at Shell Magallanes. It was a partnership between Shell and Mellow. As soon as I hit the station, I grabbed CDs from the shelf and started typing them one by one.

I also learned that DJ Ingrid wasn't coming and DJ Angel would be in charge of the Afternoon Cruise. But unfortunately, she would do that alone since Pat and I were leaving, and Mr. V would also leave early for his birthday party the next day. It was 2 in the afternoon when we were called by Ma'am Mavic.

We went to the office and we were asked to prepare the IDs. But we had to leave as soon as possible so we had to finish that in the van. And so we took EDSA which was a little traffic then. We arrived at Shell Magallanes early for the event that was supposed to happen by 4 p.m. so we just prepared everything - the table, tarpaulins, stickers, and some chips.


When we started, Ma'am Mavic was the one asking the drivers if we could post Mellow and Shell 'Every Drop Counts' stickers at their rear window of their car. If in case they would be spotted by radio DJs and reporters with that sticker on their car, they'd get P800 on the spot. But Pat, Carlo (one of SOJs), and I had to form a team of our own and did things on ourselves. Some agreed but there were also those who didn't care at all. It was challenging to put stickers on wet windows (because it was raining then) but we still did great. We stopped by 7 p.m. and went to a fast food chain to eat and then went back to the station.

Day 9: Thirty Thursday Again

09.10.09 (Thursday)

DJ Ingrid was not able to make it to her program Afternoon Cruise today so Ms. Chloe came early to fill for her. I got to read some of the messages on the textline and they were surprised to hear Ms. Chloe as early as 2 p.m. And also did the news for C&C Music Factory before the program started. When Sir Chris came and asked me about it, I proudly told him I was done with that. Jensen, the other intern, came but left early so I was the only intern for C&C.

When the program started, Ms. Chloe asked me to sit by the phone so I could answer the calls and take the requests for the 30 Thursday. I went to the other computer between the two DJs and did what Ms. Chloe told me. It was my first time to answer the phone in the station. And everything went well. The thirty songs request were even finished by 7:30 p.m. Before I left, Sir Chris asked me to eat longganisa sent by some listeners of Mellow who happened to be selling that product.

Day 8: CDs Galore

09.09.09 (Wednesday)

Lots of 9's today and the rain was still busy invading the whole Metro Manila area. I arrived at the booth soaking wet though I had my umbrella. When I sat on the couch, Mr. Tzing asked me to type the CDs on a big shelf behind the DJ's seats. He asked me to start at Selection 29 and continue until the very end of the shelf. I guess there were hundreds of CDs on that shelf. And so I started. The songs were mostly from 70's and 80's. I typed for 4 hours and finished 20 CDs (I know I was working too slow, hehe).

I stopped by 3 p.m. so I could prepare for the C&C Music Factory. A new intern also came. Kjwan went to the booth to sing acoustic versions of their songs. Their lead vocalist, Marc Abaya, came late because of the traffic but he still managed to sing some songs. DJ Ingrid also asked me to find a news for her. And so I did a national news -- about Ninoy Aquino. I also e-mailed Mr. Tzing the list of songs I encoded.

Day 7: Kimmy Dora Day

09.07.09 (Monday)

It was a normal day. A bit gloomy since the weather was not that good. I could see from the windows of the booth the dark clouds covering the skies. The rain poured the entire day and it added to the coldness of the booth. Good thing Mr. V, DJ Angel, and I didn't forget to bring jackets that time.

After I had my lunch at a not-so-distant place from Paragon Plaza, I went back to the booth hurriedly because the rain might fell harder. Few minutes and Eugene Domingo came. We were so happy to see her personally inside the booth. She dropped by to thank those who watched her movie Kimmy Dora and to encourage more people to watch as well. She was so funny and friendly and we really enjoyed the short time she visited us in Mellow. A lot of people there also went to the booth to take pictures with her.


When Eugene Domingo left, I immediately turned to the computer and made the news for C&C Music Factory early because I would be leaving the station by 4 p.m. I texted Ms. Chloe and she allowed me to leave as early as 4. I finished all the news and sent it to C&C's e-mail address.

Day 6: Charm Is In

09.04.09 (Friday)

At last, Friday came fast and I could smell some rest at the end of the day. It was a rainy morning but the weather didn't stop me from going to the station. And because it was the first Friday of the month, there were foods inside the office. Mr. V and DJ Angel asked us to go and get our lunch.

DJ Ingrid was absent so DJ Indi filled for her on the Afternoon Cruise. It was the first time I 'heard' Ms. Indi go on-air on a daytime because she's from Mellow Nights with Marco. After that, C&C Music Factory immediately followed. I was a bit surprised when Charm (my classmate) tapped my back though I was really expecting her to come that afternoon. Mo and Charm would be having a short training for their boardwork the next day since they're part of the School of Jocks Batch 3. They had to have a connection as partners and Sir Chris told them the do's and don't's. In order to learn something that day, I also listened and absorbed the things Sir Chris told them. I was also impressed the way Charm talked and delivered news on-air. The boss even told Ms. Chloe that Mo and Charm sounds good together. Charm really deserves to be a part of the School of Jocks.

Day 5: Thirty Thursday

O9.03.09 (Thursday)

DJ Angel was talking about how to turn down a job offer after accepting it. A lot of responses from the listeners came in - through y.m., facebook and textline. It was good to know that a lot of people were tuned in to listen to Office Radio and I know DJ Angel felt the same as she continued with the discussion. Then, DJ Ingrid joined the program. She was happy because Jensen was around again. She used to tickle Jensen and while doing that, she would make sure that a camera was around to take pictures or even videos of that.

Before the Afternoon Cruise ended up, I managed to collect four news stories for C&C Music Factory. So when Sir Chris came in and asked me if I already got news for the program , I proudly said yes. I got to accomplish everything before the program started. I also felt fulfilled that those four I prepared were all approved by Ms. Chloe and used as Scoop of the Hour. And since it was Thursday, they took thirty song requests for the program.

Day 4: Guests, guests, guests...

09.02.09 (Wednesday)

I came in the station few minutes after the Office Radio started with Mr. V and DJ Angel. As soon as I got there, Mr. Tzing asked me to encode the information on the CDs at a rack inside the booth and send it to his e-mail. I was excited to do the task because for the first time, I would be doing something different. So I enthusiastically opened my e-mail account and got a handful batch of CDs on my hands. And so I typed and typed and typed. Artist then song title then artist then song title. In five short minutes, I completed the task. I successfully sent it to his e-mail address and again, I was left with nothing to do. I was craving for more since I hadn't warmed up even a bit yet.

I heard there would be a guest, and she's a harpist. Mo and I googled her name the day before so we had an idea of what she was going to do. Noelle Cassandra then arrived just in time for Afternoon Cruise with DJ Ingrid. She tuned her harp up and after few minutes, she's ready to hit it.

She started singing and we were all amazed. It was my first time to see a real harpist perform and it was also live right in front of me. DJ Ingrid even sang Part Of Your World and Run Away with her. After that, another guests came in for C&C Music Factory but this time they're colorful. They were the group High 5 from the Nickelodeon TV show. So they promoted they shows here in Manila and gave a little sample of their songs.

Day 3: The Final Destination 4

09.01.09 (Tuesday)

The day started out as a normal day. It was 10:25 a.m. so as usual, Mr. V. and DJ Angel were already there for their program. When I got there, DJ Angel asked me if I want to join the advance screening of The Final Destination later that night in SM Megamall. I told her Ms. Chloe asked me the same question the day before and I said yes. And so I just bought Kopiko for her from the convenience store and a lunch for me.

When Ms. Chloe came, she asked me if I already talked to Ma'am Nene about the screening that night because they needed someone to help them. As a newbie, I hadn't met the other people there. Ms. Chloe introduced me to the them and they asked me to wait because we would be leaving any moment. I waited until Sir Glen called me. I brought a box of freebies from Dimetapp to be given away in the screening. When we got to Megamall, we started setting up the tarpaulins of Mellow and Clear. We also managed the seat reservations for the guests and we waited until 7:30 p.m. for the show to start.

When the program started, they asked me to hand the gift packs to the raffle winners. I was standing in front of the crowd with the hosts (Ms. Chloe and Sir Chris). Then the movie started and as soon as it finished, we went home.

Day 2: The Holiday

08.31.09 (Monday)

It was National Heroes Day. Though it was obviously a regular non-working holiday, I still got up and prepared for another day at the station. I arrived 10:18 a.m. in time for the Office Radio. Another intern, Mo, was already there and he was on-air with DJ Angel. They felt it was holiday because only few were responding about the topic.

DJ Ingrid was absent so the Afternoon Cruise used some recordings of her voice. We were left with nothing to do - Mr. V., Mo, and I. Until Ms. Chloe and Sir Chris came for the C&C Music Factory. I started my job so I went to entertainment sites on the web. I found Contact Music and ET Online very useful sites. Since I was just starting my internship, I didn't know which news or news topics they had used so I had to find more recent ones. Ms. Chloe even asked me to add more details to a news and I easily finished it. C&C Music Factory ended quite late so they extended up to the first few minutes of Mellow Nights.

I left the station by 8:21 p.m.

Day 1: First Day High

FOREWORD

After almost 3 long months of waiting for a radio station to accommodate me, I finally started my internship at Mellow 94.7. Before anything else, I would like to thank Darilyn for making me their 'replacement' in the station since they had just completed 150 hours in Mellow. I passed copies of my resume to Jam, Wave, Magic, Yes, RT, NU, and RX, but none of them cared. And this really makes me excited to start my 150 hours. As a requirement, I will be regularly posting blogs about my everyday life in Mellow 94.7.

08.27.09 (Thursday)

I woke up early for my first day. I had to go to school first so I hurried to avoid being late and arrived at the station by 10:25 a.m. I actually didn't know what preparations to do. I have to know where the restroom is, where to buy food, if am I allowed to eat inside the booth, and the likes. But the more serious questions I had to face were how will the people there accommodate my presence, how will I work or what will they ask me to do, etc.


When I passed my requirements the day before, Ms. Chloe (one of the DJs) told Dah to teach me about the logging in process and the things they do inside the booth. So before I got there, I had enough idea about the things I would do in the station. I entered the booth in a hurry, wrote my name and the time on the log book and went straight to the booth. I saw Ms. Angel (also one of the DJs) and told her that I was the new intern. It was her program "Office Radio". I won't forget the things she said to me - "Sit back, relax, and do nothing" - followed by a little laugh. So I smiled and sat down.

For 2 hours, I sat there waiting for tasks or errands or anything to keep me doing something. Then, Ms. Angel asked me to sit beside her and use the other computer to entertain myself. Then Ms. Ingrid (another DJ) came. I went down to the ground floor to buy food for myself and a snack for Ms. Angel. Some interns of the station also arrived and I noticed they were super close with the people there. As a newbie, I just kept my mouth shut most of the time. Shortly, a staff of Mellow went in to assemble some equipment because a band would be there to perform for the program "Afternoon Cruise".

After that, Ms. Chloe and Sir Chris came for their program "C&C Music Factory". It was Thirty Songs on a Thursday. I sat down in front of the computer beside Ms. Chloe. She asked me to find entertainment news on the internet for the Scoop of the Hour. I found three news about a new vampire movie, Chris Brown, and Nick Jonas. Of course, Ms. Chloe read them on air.

And I stayed at the station until 8:29 p.m. - scraping 10 hours off the required 150 hours of internship. Generally, it was a good day for me. I appreciate those small things they asked me to do and I would love to do those things again for my next days there.

Post Summer

I'm back from the grave of the summer and here I am starting my last year in college. The summer ended very well for me. I got enough tambay moments with some friends. I also had a chance to be a staff of an event by the Department of Education which is, of course, through Teatro Komunikado.

Speaking of Teatro Komunikado, I also had my comeback as the organization's Secretary General. And now, we are doing our very best to put things into its best order. July is fast approaching and we are managing the college's major events, as usual. Lots of performances and productions rushing in.

I haven't blogged for quite a while and there are billions of thoughts remained unspoken inside that tiny room. My last blog about the environment received negative reactions from my fans (hahaha, peace!) and I don't want to disappoint them anymore. But I also want to comment on things like that. As I said, I never wanted to sound so righteous but there's nothing really wrong with that blog. I think it's worse to be so indifferent about things needing just a piece of your attention.

Whatever it is that you wish to write about, put it to words. Whether you are good or not-so-good in words doesn't matter. I never really thought of who cares about the things I put in my blogs. My friends maybe. But I never thought my writings would ever consume much of their time. I also believe that only few people cares to read these things. That is also the way I think of myself. Many people could have known me through my name or my face. I have a lot of friends and we exchange text messages or hello's everytime we meet. But who among them really wanted to take much from their time just to know me?

I really appreciate those people who tell me how much I mean to them or how much they care for me. Those are the people who made it to my innermost core. That core never closed for anyone. And I hope I never made anyone feel I closed it from them. If you made me feel important, I also feel the same for you. Though not so blatantly shown. But if I am just an ordinary creature for you, I just reflect.

Most of the times I prefer to be nobody. I never wanted to be in the limelight or in the spotlight. I feel so conscious about the eyes looking at me. I am not a showbiz person. I never wished to be famous or the talk-of-the-town (lol, just a thought). But that nobody wants to feel blessed through the people around him, wishing that these people also feel the same way for him. And that's the way I like it - forever.

Thy Earth Dies

It was Earth Day yesterday. As expected, it rained hard enough to flood some places in the Metro. I was even a victim of this rain because I was on my way home from my one and only summer class. Yes. Earth Day. April 22. The whole Filipino nation prepared for a sizzling April but the weather acted as if it was July or August.

I'll try to sound like an advocate this time. Even just for once. I just don't feel comfortable as long as these environmental issues are around. As a certified potato couch of Summer '09, I heard from TV and radio that this could be an effect of the climate change brought forth by the global warming. Who knows? There's a big possibility that it really has something to do with that. Prior to my decision of putting my opinion here on this site, I also tried to learn about the nature and how everything is related with one another. And I can say that this could be a glimpse of a bigger problem. A deluge, so to speak.

I even constantly see ads on television about protecting Mother Earth, saving Ilog Pasig, and the likes. It's good to know that environmental awareness is fast growing but it just doesn't seem enough to do what we have to do. There are billions of people in this world who are responsible of saving the Earth. We are living on the same Earth and no one is exempted from doing his/her responsibility.

Here in the Philippines, the government has a big a part on this. Many say that we have wonderful gifts from the nature. But no one seemed to care. We kept on doing what we want overlooking where we all started and where the future will bring us. The Pasig River is a good example. In the past, it was the root of many Filipino civilizations. Our ancestors greatly relied their everyday lives to the Pasig River. But now, nobody cares if the Pasig River exist or not. All they want is to have somewhere to throw their craps at. If the government will only mandate to avoid polluting the river and come up with new ways to dispose their wastes off, it could help big time. After all, laws are not implemented properly.

"The struggle to save the global environment is in one way
much more difficult than the struggle to vanquish Hitler,
for this time the war is with ourselves.
We are the enemy, just as we have only ourselves as allies."
~ Al Gore ~

But this problem can be accounted to everyone. What is happening right now is a tap on our shoulders. We have been so busy that we are forgetting the smallest yet the most important things of this world. It is everyone's battle now. It is our prime duty and responsibility to repay the kind of nurture our nature is giving us. So please, do your part before it's too late.

My Summer 2009

Yes. It's a scorching hot summer. It's not a typical Philippine summer for me because of the extreme heat. I started wondering if it has any connection with the global warming (that I hope not). And just a couple of days ago, rains started to pour. It was a humungous 'yehey' for me since I'm gravely affected and constantly complaining about the extreme heat.

Summer has always been a jurassic period for me. Living these two months without doing anything is an everyday nightmare. I hate that lifestyle. Hehe. But seriously, I can't stand just idling around the house. I want to go out. I want to be a lot more productive since I'm away from school. But I always end up sleeping, watching TV and movies, eating, and then back to sleep again. I even limited the use of electricity at home to conserve energy (and money too! hehe). Every hour is Earth hour. So less DVDs this time.

Anyways, I am currently having a summer class for Politics and Governance. It's a super early class and I'm doing my best for this sole subject I have at the moment. After 10:30 am, I have nothing to do anymore so I tried to find a job with my friends. Unfortunately, our magellanish expeditions didn't result to anything favorable. Some sort of cosmic forces succeeded in making this summer a 'house-school-house' summer for me.

I just spend my time at home with the usual routines. I envy those who already went to the beach because it's been years since I've been on one. I want to travel. I want to go to Baguio again. I want to eat a lot of ice creams.

Well, summer has nothing to do with those things but, doing nothing makes me realize that there are gazillions of things I wanted to do this summer and I don't know how. Maybe I can start when I already have a job. So I am greatly looking forward to my last year in college. Yes! You read it right! I'm already a 4th year student this coming school year! Yeah!

That's my summer as of this time. And I hope to fulfill any of my desires before this summer ends.

A Year Older

Just a few weeks ago, I had again my most favorite day of the year. Of course, I have to love it (though I really do) because it reminds me that I'm still alive despite my stressful lifestyle every February. It also reminds me of growing up, figuratively. As expected, a nineteen-year-old person shouldn't act like an eighteen. So, just a thought, there must be a little difference.

Maturity comes out naturally. But it isn't an excuse of not thinking how you act with different people, adjusting how attached you are with them, or how you value them. There was really more to think about and I spent my birthday thinking about those things.

I started that day with my groupmates, u22 (Dah, RJ, Ruel, Kael, and Lady plus Jonathan). We were shooting our movie trailer for Film Writing and Production and we haven't gone home for a couple of days that time. We had a little celebration since Dah, who was also celebrating her birthday, surprised me. They set the camera and turned the lights off. Then a cake with two tagpi-piso candles on it came out of the dark accompanied by the ever-famous/immortal Happy Birthday song. I was really surprised and I appreciated the effort of having a simple celebration that time.

We continued shooting for the trailer and we slept before sunrise. We woke up early to make it to our 9:00 am class which is Principles of Children's ETV Programming. And the rest was just an ordinary routine of my ordinary day, except for greetings from a lot of friends and acquaintances. But before the day ended, I went home to see my family.

After all those things, it was a very special day for me. I appreciated every little part of that day and every single person who completed my 19th birthday with me. Thanks guys!

Superman and Utopia

Well, the year did start well for me though commitments kept rushing in and I have to focus on them one by one. I have to manage things well and I really feel the need to have a couple of rest right at this very moment.

Le Vogue '09. Our section is busy preparing for a fashion show and festival dance contest for one of our subject, International/Intercultural Communication. Time and efforts have to be made and creativity is in demand right now. Of course, the goal is to win.

Thesis. We are very eager to accomplish every chapter of our thesis. It gives us the feeling that we are near the finish line of this studying stuff. Sleepovers, meetings, consultations, research, trip to the libraries, and more. It is also satisfying to know that our group is leading to the right path (as of this time). Funny to realize years ago, we were just busy coloring pictures on our books and now, we are studying how universities promote culture and arts. Good luck u22!



Major Production. It's January and as expected, I'm back to Teatro Komunikado. And as a welcome, I was assigned to be the Production Manager of this year's major play production. I haven't started anything yet so I have to work as soon as possible.

This is my life for January. Trying to fit these things in, not mentioning the death-defying requirements and exams for every subject. I know this will all bring new experiences to me as I start living this new year.

Now, for myself. Accomplishing all of these would mean so much. I know I am Superman. Multitasking is my hobby. Doing what seems to be incredible is my passion and I was raised that way (really? haha). But I know there are limits to what I can do.

There is no real Superman. Everybody wishes to be Superman but it is just a part of every human's utopic dream. There are things which you wish you could do effortlessly without squeezing your heart and brain out. There are things that you kept on trying to do but eventually, you'll realize that you are facing the Great Wall of China. Really impossible to get over with. You're really tired of being just an ordinary being so you wish to be a unique one. You want to do things right away but you know it would take you so much time and every second is causing you so much burden. All you can do is to withstand all the pressure and everything that comes with it.

But, being Superman does not equate to being a perfect person. It is a mere metaphor to what every individual wishes for themselves.

Aftermath: Changes

Yes... Changes always happen. They're just around the corners. They're the most natural way to sustain everything in this world. It's been almost a month and I've experienced a change in everything - from my routines up to my tiniest thoughts even before I sleep.

I was never afraid of changes. I know what I have right now are still gonna change. I don't know what to point in this blog but I just simply want to write about changes since I've been through a lot of that just recently.

Friends. I got new friends and I used to be with them more often. I love their company and it seems that we're into something good. It's like an underground society. (Haha. No. It's not what you're thinking.) It just feels good to have them and know who's gonna catch your next fall.

Me. It's still me - the same old me. But somehow, something has changed. Maybe, everything is working its way for the better. I will never regret changing. But still, I will miss the way it used to be. I can never measure how much I've grown but through these, I know now how much I learned.

Now, I have more plans for everything:

*study even harder
*read more books
*bond more with friends
*bond even more with my family
*what else?

I actually want more things this Christmas. Not literally things. And I want to pull them closer.

Crossroads

After almost a week, after the verdict had taken its effect, I'm finally used to live an ordinary student life. Less thoughts, less works. I have been thinking that maybe God gave me this opportunity to regain myself back. To reflect on things I have been doing for almost two years and a half.

Initially, I joined Teatro Komunikado half-heartedly. I thought of myself as a person who has no talent. I thought I could entertain other people but not on stage. But after that audition, I became a part of the group's fifth batch. I guess I fell in love with group. I love doing those things. Since then, I became an artist.

We started as 'apprentices'. We had a semester to prove that we were worth to be a member of the group. Months later, I became a member. By the end of the year, I became a Board Member. It was really a tough way to be in that position. Because I realized that being a member of the group isn't really easy.

Sacrifices. I made much of that for the group. But I don't mind that since this is what I love doing. I'm proud to say I could cope with the classes though I had to be absent at times. I learned a lot, I experienced doing many things. I owe them all from TK.

Last March, I became the Secretary General of Teatro Komunikado. Quite a big responsibility. I didn't know where to start my two-year term. Even the whole Executive Board had a really hard time figuring out the same thing. Teatro Kom is a big organization. It has a lot of activities, commitments, and we had to maintain the image that the previous officers left. Meaning, extra efforts and extra time. We didn't mind that. We enjoyed every moment.

An now, I made my mistake. It was my turn to do bad for the group. One single mistake and I lost it all. I built my dream sand castle but I accidentally broke it. I'm really sorry - for the group and for myself. I lost track of fulfilling my very own responsibilities so I have to take some rest for the next two months. I understand why I have to be given with such sanction/s. But I hope I would understand the consequences of that sanction months after.

I don't know what the next two months will give me. I still have no definite plan whether to go back or just support them from afar. I love the group, undoubtedly. I think I have nothing to prove about that. But maybe it's time to love myself and just be where I am right now. The incident really taught me a lot and made me realize many things.

As to my final decision, I can't really tell by now... But I'll always be around.

Fresh Burst!

I guess it really has to be this way. Life is working its best to teach me with all I need. It's all starting. My mind is full of different thoughts. They're battling. Good or bad? Right or wrong? Now or never? Whew! I want to stay away from those things. I'm trying to divert my attentions with all the possible things I could use.

Number One

I never thought it's my fault. Of course, it's not your fault, too. I never wanted it this way. At first, it was nothing to me. I already passed through that before but nothing really mattered to me. If you choose to stay away, it's your choice. If that's the only way I could help you to ease everything up. Just don't make me feel I'm responsible for you. As what I've said, nobody wanted this.

Number Two

I'm sorry if I caused a lot of trouble to the group. I was barely aware that my simple friendship with her would still be an issue after a long time. Is it my fault that I felt so comfortable to her? She taught me everything about the group. Initially, I learned to love the group because of her. And I know I made all the responsibilities I have despite of everything so I guess you shall not blame anyone for what happened.

Number Three

At last! Now, I understand. I have to because it is the truth. I don't know what to feel. I won't say or do anything because you already did it for me. Thanks. But, still, I won't stop here. I just understand but it doesn't mean it's easy.

Maybe I'll just stay here in this way. I'll just hold these things with me and look at them, thinking someday I will let those things fly away exactly the way I want them right now. I have dreams. I'm thinking positive. It's not yet the right time. I feel it. I don't know how to say it but I really feel it. I want those dreams to come true and I don't know how will I feel when that time comes. I'm not really good in words so I can't put all of them here.

But, I understand. Those dreams may come but in a different 'version'. It's like a story with different characters. I'll just continue making stories in my mind and feel every details of it. That would be the case from now on. Still, it's really hard for me. Lots of thanks. I'll just feel it until it's gone.

"You'll never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

I'm not absolutely satisfied with what I put in here. I don't know how to put down in words everything I feel. But please, I'm not accepting any questions about this. Thank you.